My 'Light-bulb' Moment
I have put pen to paper hopefully to help others realise that if you are being spoken to without respect, living with someone that is game-playing with your emotions and kind heart, they don’t love you and it certainly isn’t the life you deserve, and THEY WILL NOT CHANGE. If you stay where you are, the rollercoaster you are on will never end. In the long run, you will not only damage yourself; if you have children remember that they could mirror the patterns and behaviour of the home they are being brought up in. No matter how hard you try to protect your children, their future health and happiness could be severely impacted on. Please get out now, and make this the first day of the life you deserve. Surround yourself with people that want you happy and want the best for you and it will make you stronger day by day.
I used to lie awake in bed at night and stare at the back of my husband's head, knowing that there had to be a different life for me, but I couldn't see a way out. It took me 30 years to leave him.
My ex-husband was a very dynamic, fun man on the outside and to new people he met. When we met I had just started my training to become cabin crew, so the times we spent together were ‘honeymoon’ jet-set times as we were both travelling all over the world.
Yes there were signs early on but I ignored the snide, belittling remarks. As a person I tended to ‘go with the flow’ and fit in with whatever he decided. Half the time I was jet-lagged and happy for him to organise everything. I liked a calm life and everyone around me to be happy. I have now learnt to stop and think, ‘What would I like?’ and to be a bit more assertive. I have learned that creating boundaries is ‘ok’, to say the word ‘No’ is OK. In fact it gains respect, and even with your nearest and dearest respect is so important.
The first warning sign was questions, lots of questions, and not necessarily listening to the answers. He would talk ‘at’ me, not ‘to’ me. I wasn’t allowed to ask one question, not even ‘What time are you coming back for supper?’ That question was either totally ignored or was turned around and fired back at me by saying ‘Do you want an argument?’ All I had asked was whether he was coming back for supper so that I could organise what to cook!
I spent my life walking on egg shells so as not to cause an argument, and would try and work out the best words to say and when to say them so that I didn’t get a bad reaction. He would turn like a switch, at times over nothing at all, or maybe because I had moved a plant from one end of the room to another. He would try to goad me into a fight. I would try to avoid his eye contact while he shouted "LOOK AT ME WHEN I AM TALKING TO YOU!" I hate confrontation, but sometimes I would hear myself argue back. He would say something that would hurt me deeply - like something personal about my father - and he knew it. Once he got the reaction he wanted, a smile would almost creep over his face. I felt worthless and my self esteem was so low. In fact I had totally lost me.
I remember going skiing with him. Years previously I had had a bad skiing accident and when we were on the last slope I slipped over and hurt the same knee. I tried to get up but couldn’t (my interior cruciate ligament had snapped). He was screaming at me to get up. He was hungry and wanted food. Every time I tried, I couldn’t get up. He walked over to me in disgust. I thought he was going to help me up but instead he kicked me really hard on the bad knee and left me there crying. He laughed and went off. I ended up with my leg in plaster and was sent back home to England. I forgave him! I thought I could change him, help him be kind. In my mind it was my fault that he reacted like this to me. He would end up crying and tell me he was sorry and be extra nice and sweet for a couple of months.
When we got married I had a very uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, but I told myself it was just butterflies. When I fell pregnant I gave up my flying career to become a full-time mother, and the real monster raised his ugly head. My husband was often travelling with work which meant that the abuse only happened one day a month or so. I thought his behaviour was the result of stress at work and so I accepted his bad treatment of me. He used to trap me in corners, aggressively stare right into my face, throw me around the room, and pull me down the stairs by my hair.
My day-to-day life with my children was lovely. I had two beautiful children, a lovely home, financial security and I loved being a full-time mum. My children were and are my world. They were the reason I stayed with him so long. I wanted to leave him when the children were younger but they were both settled in a lovely private school, with very good friends (they still have them today). He was in total control over our finances and because he knew deep down that one day I would leave him he had organised to be paid in America (or so he told me), and said that the children would have to leave their home, school and friends. I couldn’t do that to them. Obviously, looking back, I realise I should have just left when they were young. I thought I had shielded them from arguments and violence, but even one argument in a child’s life is so destructive and can stick in their memories far more than I would have ever realised. I really tried hard to paint over the cracks and act like the perfect happy family, but I didn’t manage to shield them.
I ended up getting cancer, twice. The stress of holding everything inside and the anguish definitely played a big part in the illness. My husband loved it when I was sick as he then had total control over me. Another few years went by.
I was lucky and survived the cancer. It was at this point that a friend took me along to DASH (a domestic abuse agency) and I did their ‘Freedom' programme. It saved my life, and I realised that now was my one chance at a new life. The person I had become wasn't me. I couldn't help or change him, no matter how hard I tried. It made me realise that the man I was living with wasn’t normal and it wasn’t me that had the problem. I started to plan my escape. My children were away at university. I had a bag packed at my mum's house, along with some money and my passport. I had hidden a £10 note outside in my front garden to pay for a taxi. I hid a spare mobile phone in the laundry box in the bathroom. He always took my car keys, mobile phone and my handbag away from me during confrontations, and he normally stopped me from trying to get out through the front door as well. Towards the end he sensed my inner strength. One day he totally lost it with me and almost strangled me. I tried to calm him down and said that I needed to go to the toilet. DASH had put me into Red Flag to the police, so that when I rang them they came. He was arrested and taken away. This time there was no going back, and he was never allowed back home.
I was lucky and surrounded by my wonderful family and friends. Even when he was crying with despair down the phone and saying he would commit suicide, I managed to stay strong and not give in to my soft heart. I built a suit of armour around me and went into the battle ground of divorce.
Five years on, I have managed to let go and learn from my past. I have a lovely, kind, ‘normal’ man in my life and we are so happy. I sleep like a baby at night without living in fear. My children have moved nearby and both are settled in loving, normal relationships and are very happy. My children love my new partner and it is so refreshing to hear them laugh out loud with him - something I had never heard before. My ex has thankfully moved away. I have had to totally cut ties with him as his obsessiveness with me stopped him moving on and he caused a lot of heartache for my children. I wish him well in his new life, but am so glad that I have finally found me. I am at peace and am on the right path.
I am lucky and made myself move on in my mind, as I felt he had tormented me for 30 years and if I kept going over and over it again and played the victim, he would take my next 30 years and I wouldn't be allowed to move on and have a normal life. In order to move on you have to change your mindset and then you have a chance to lead the life you deserve.
Thank you DASH for all your help and support. Thank you for helping me understand that it wasn't my fault, that I wasn't alone, and that there is hope and a new life waiting for everyone. We are all a tribe and there is always someone you can call. And when you get that window of opportunity, please, please, just go. If you are a parent, remember that it isn't just your life you are ruining by staying but also your children's; it can take years to get back what you have lost and you can only teach them by example what a normal, happy family life is like. The sooner you get away, the better - the younger they are, the better.
My words, my voice. Thank you for listening. Louise.